World’s Worst Smelling Man Gets Show: The Skunk Whisperer

April 9, 2010 1 comment

Animal Planet is everyone’s favorite channel to watch animals make sweet, sweet goin’-at-it. But are we willing to take an occasional 30 minute break to put our underwear on and watch a skunk spray some redneck in the face? Animal Planet thinks yes!

Introducing that redneck and his face, Ned Bruha, who just landed his own show, The Skunk Whisperer. Look, Ned. You seem like a nice guy, and what you do with skunks in private is your own business. But do you think Cesar Milan got to be pack leader by letting anybody with a cowboy hat and a smelly johnson waltz in here and take over the animal whispering business? Nope, he got to the top the way Washington and Lincoln did. By pinching the shit out of everyone until they laid down and licked themselves!

Source: News on 6


I Always Thought Rocket Swords Would Be Cooler

April 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Scott Nelson (aka Murrugun the Mystic) wasn’t content to choose between swallowing swords and firing rockets anymore. So he killed two birds with one stone by strapping a rocket motor to the end of his sword and shot it down his throat. I’m not really impressed with people who kill two birds with one stone. I have a pointy stick that I’ve probably killed fifty cats with.

In case you’ve got any 26-inch swords and rocket motors lying around at home and are thinking of trying this out yourself, Murrugun advises otherwise:

As for any other performers who may wish to imitate the stunt, Nelson simply says, “Don’t do it.” But not because of the danger. “It’s patent pending. I’m keeping this one to myself.”

…Just like I will be keeping Murrugun’s smoking hot wife to myself when he dies from rectal impaling-related injuries. How do I know he’s got a hot wife? All creepy freakshow performers do. I’m looking at you, David Copperfield! …And now I can’t stop looking. God, your eyes are hypnotic. Yes, I will meet you in room 520, whatever you say…

Source: AOL News

The Colonel Always Doubles Down!

April 2, 2010 Leave a comment

The Double Down is KFC’s latest answer to triple bypass surgery. (Fuck you, medical science!) It’s pretty much just bacon and cheese sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken. No gravy? What does this look like, COMMUNIST CHINA?

Consumerist clocks it in at 540 calories, 32g of fat and 1380mg of sodium. I guess I’d better stick with just one for now then. But if they can sandwich it between two other Double Downs and give me a side of mini-Double Downs and a Double Down shake, that would be sweeet. Yes, I am an organ donor. Why do you ask?

You Can Hardly Notice the Panty Lines!

April 2, 2010 Leave a comment

Biniki is not just the stupidest product name ever, it’s also a bra for your ass.

A spokesperson for BinikiĀ  said: “Women have had the bra to support their breasts for over a hundred years… Surprisingly, a similar garment to beautify and preserve the buttocks has been notably missing. Biniki does for the back what the bra does for the front.

I’m going to stop you right there, Biniki spokesperson. I’m thinking if your lady humps are so saggy that you need straps to keep ’em from dragging on the floor, maybe you should start taking more aggressive actions. Like, I dunno…a squat or two. Also, if you want to give your Biniki model my number, I’d be happy to show her my famous one-finger-bra-unhook technique. I’m actually practicing right now. Wait…hold still…I think I got it…What’s this? Is this something? …Almost…ok wait… Huh? What do mean Sears is closing soon and the mannequins will still be here tomorrow?!


Categories: Clothes Tags: , , , ,

April Fools!: Now Get Out the Proton Packs

April 1, 2010 Leave a comment is selling this little doowacky that you can use to annoy TV watchers. Basically, you hide it somewhere in a room, point it at the TV, and it turns it off and on, making people think their TV is haunted by the ghost of your great grandpa or something. Which makes sense, because he never could work that damn remote. It also explains why there’s a mess in the bathroom and someone’s been yelling racist things at the paperboy.

Categories: Science Tags: , , , ,

Can I Have His XBOX?: Space Jumper

March 31, 2010 Leave a comment

Felix Baumgartner is a daredevil who plans on free-fall skydiving from the edge of space. Here’s what his suit will look like. It pretty much looks like a regular space suit to me, but with some Red Bull logos on the side. Companies just love having their name on things people kill themselves in. How else do you explain NASCAR?

The high-tech suit will need to protect him at temperatures of -56C and speeds of 690mph and in an environment with too little oxygen to sustain human life.

Sounds promising. Especially the part about not sustaining human life. Good luck, Felix! I was actually once something of a daredevil myself and let me tell you, the scars STILL impress the females. This one here is from jumping off a wicked curb on my bike and this one is from going down a Slip N’ Slide too fast with no shirt on…BACKWARDS. Laaadies?


Wife Material: Ray Romano Tattoo

March 31, 2010 Leave a comment

Look, we’ve all done stupid things. I myself am not even allowed to step foot in PetSmart. But this person has gone far beyond my obsession with experimental cross-breeding and gotten a tramp stamp that says, “I’M GONNA KILL YOU, RAY ROMANO,” which is preposterous of course because we all know that everyone loves Raymond…Or do they? Next you’re gonna tell me Charles wasn’t really in charge. HE WAS, RIGHT? Whew, I thought so. Speaking of being in charge, I need someone to pick me up three gerbils, two turtles, and a some mood-lighting candles.

Source: Tattoo Failure